This site began as a way for my beloved to meet others in the life as well as a means for us to communicate when we were on opposite sides of the country. Over time it became so much more and I have gone back and forth as to what to do with it. I am loathe to take it down as it is such a real part of who she was and I suppose I am not quite ready to let go of this yet. So, for now it will stay.
I want to thank all of you who have stopped by and reaffirmed the love that was mine. Your comments and emails have meant more than I can possibly say. I owe a few of you some email and I will get to it, I just can’t promise as to when.
Several of you have asked about the boys. They are coping as we all are. The little man is angry. At his father for taking him away from Auntie Moo, at me for not taking better care of her, at God for taking another mother from him. He has not been able to be here at the house ~ the hurt is too big ~ but he did stop by just today to gather a few things of hers to take with him. He chose their favorite quilt, a scrapbook they had made together and a picture of the two of them. He climbed up in the hammock with Ben and eventually our teen joined them and they talked and cried and talked some more. He has said good bye to far too many people and this one is a hard one for the little man to accept. But he is walking through it with a lot of help from the big guy in our world.
Our teen is devistated which is no surprise obviously. He logs lots of time in her hammock as well or in her chair in my office. He and his friends are clinging to my mother and are all still in a daze of sorts. They gather here three and four nights a week and we have lots of ‘remember when’ conversations. They are learning to live without her but it will not come easy.
Me? I find myself asking ‘are you sure?’ because as sick as she was it just can’t be real that she is not here with me. That she is not snuggled up next to me when I reach for her at night or waiting in my office when I come through the door at the end of the day.
So life goes on and we are all grieving as we try to adjust to a world that is a little less bright
Luke
Luke — I cannot imagine the void you all must be dealing with. I know that, as January has come here in Ohio, I have many days been aware that THIS was when You and caitlin were supposed to be HERE, and when we would finally all be able to meet face-to-face. I feel completely cheated and so terribly sad to have not had that opportunity. It softens my heart for all of you, who have lost so much more.
Please know that You are in my thoughts each day. Do call on us if there is anything at all that we can offer in terms of support or friendship. And, be assured that if/when You find Yourself here in Ohio, we’d be most glad to finally meet You.
hugs, swan
By: swan on January 18, 2009
at 10:54 am
Thank You so much for sharing this…i continue to pray for You all every day.
By: thisgirll on January 19, 2009
at 3:29 pm
Thank you so much for updating us. You and your family have been in my thoughts since I discovered this site a couple of years back and you all continue to be.
Nahara
By: Nahara on January 21, 2009
at 12:40 pm
Luke, I feel so terribly sad reading this, and I cannot begin to express the depth of hurtfulness I am sure you and all of your family are living through. I so wish that there were some way you were right that this is not real.
I wish intensely there was something we could do that is more tangible than to stand by and care.
You have all my, and our, greatest sympathies, and hope that the pain lessens and the wonderful gifts she gave you remain.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
By: Raheretic on January 23, 2009
at 6:29 pm
I am loathe to remove the link from my site, I can’t. I don’t know – I don’t want to lose the connection I guess. And, for as long as you keep the site up, her words carry on.
I’ve thought of you often, thought of the kids, your family. Thank you for the update, Luke. God bless you.
By: kaya on January 24, 2009
at 8:09 pm
Luke (I am calling you that as you have called yourself that, I don’t mean any disrespect),
I spent 3 full days over the holidays reading each and everyone one of Caitlin’s posts from the first day in Feb 2006 right up until her last posting. The love you two shared with one another was inspiring. I obviously will never come to know either of you but please know that both of you have a special place in my heart. I believe that Caitlin is now that special guardian angel that watches over all of you and protects you from harm. The two of you formed a beautiful family and I hope that all of you continue to love and cherish one another.
Thinking of you often,
Daisygirl
By: Daisygirl on January 28, 2009
at 10:42 pm
Dear Sir,
May I please offer my deepest condolences? I knew not your Bella, nor was I privy to her writing during her life, and that is my loss. I have since spent many hours reading her blog, Caitlin Smiles, from post one through Your most eloquent eulogy. Your beautiful Bella, Your pet, Your beloved, Your Caitlin; her love for You shines through every word she wrote. My thoughts again and again turn to the little man, who must be at a terrible loss – to have lost his own mother and his Auntie Moo – I can not fathom. Also, Your son – in college and to have lost his mother – that sweet sweet boy/man You have mentored him well and I am certain he will do all he can to make You both proud. And Keith – her “bad boy crush” – losing Your little one has to be a blow to him as well.
Again, I would like to offer my deepest sympathies, and my most sincere condolences. Your loss is felt by many worldwide. My prayers are with You and Your family and her beloved friends. I wish that there were words that could take away the pain. I know there are none. My only hope is that You find some comfort with the words of her readers’ words of sympathy.
Thank you for updating this place and letting us know how each of you are. I am grateful you continue to allow this place to remain – it is a reminder to me that such love can and does exist. It is a place I come for peace, to read her words, and to know how she loved and how she is loved still.
Most respectfully,
Michele
By: Michele on February 4, 2009
at 11:49 am