I am my beloved’s…. 

Whether she is snuggling with a wee one or throwing the frisbee for Ben or laughing with her best girls over a game of cards or quietly whispering long into the night with our boy.  She amazes me.

She enters your life and it is forever changed.  She loves with a passion that is not to be explained.  She defends those who others malign – right or wrong – she never lets the underdog stand alone.   She may not agree with you but she will fight to the end anyone who wants to prevent you from having your say.

She never met a stranger.  Once you entered her world you were a friend….true she does hold some more closely than others but all she encountered were friends.

Koolaid mom – that’s what our teens friends call her.  She is the one they come to with their hurts and angst and confusion and confessions.  She keeps them fed and schooled and makes sure they get some rest and dries tears and hands out hugs and lectures and now and again condoms…for those who just need to know that somebody cares she is there.

Be they 2 or 92 she is passionate about the underprivileged.  Organizing adoptions for Christmas and caroling and lunch at the winter shelter and coats for the kiddles and slippers for the grands…walking many of them through the daunting task of applying for benefits and wading through paperwork.

These past few years her health has been an issue she has battled quite fiercely.  She has fought tirelessly to be ‘better’ and has worked so hard and not being sick.  It has broken her spirit at times to have to sit by the sidelines and not be fully involved.  She has missed being here more than I can possibly tell you and often has me read to her the posts of so many of you…praying for you as you go through your struggles…rejoicing with you as you attain your victories…and missing you always.

11 very long days ago, after a day spent with family, an evening of cards and dinner with good friends and a late night reminding each other of our love my little one and I lay snuggled in the hammock on the back deck watching the storm rage.  She kissed me softly as we whispered our good nights…an hour or so later I woke to Ben whining and scratching at me…

Despite the best efforts of our local EMTs and the physician across the fence my beloved left me that night.   An autopsy revealed what we already knew, her heart had simply given all it had to give.

Whether you knew caitlin through this venue or on a far more intimate level, you knew her heart encompassed all her crossed her path.  She has fought Polymyotitis, Brachacardia, a pace maker, brittle diabetes and most recently Congestive heart failure.  Fought with every fiber of her being to stay here with us but whoever is in charge of these things had other plans.

Were she here to whisper in our ears one more time she would want you to know that this was not an end but rather a graduation.  She is no longer in pain no long fighting to breathe no longer tied down to shots and pills and treatments.  She is devouring a brownie extravaganza with extra fudge and she is dancing down the lane as a melody falls from her lips.

I still find it hard to take in…I am 18 years older than her and always knew she would be the one facing life without me.  This was not in my plan and so not in my control.  I reach for her at night, listen for her when I enter the house, smell her scent on my sheets.  My heart is heavy with an emptiness beyond measure.

I am sure I have done this very poorly and have no other words to say it with.  Just know that she was loved beyond measure and the reality of her not being at my side has not quite hit.