I am aware and you are all free to be pissed at me…

I have several posts partially written and will be posting soon…I hope…

I am currently waiting for Master to return with my shake and then we are off for me to go in hospital…again…for the third time in 7 weeks…and I am so not happy about it…but it is what it is…

I don’t want to whine – I am well aware that for all my physical issues there are those who are far sicker than I…who battle far worse things than this…who have no hope of BETTER…

But quite frankly?  At times such as this?  ME is all I see…my battles…my body that refuses to return the favor that I offer it as I eat what I am supposed to and forgo my ice cream and breads and pastas and merlots…as I spend time exercising each and every day…as I spend time away from my family and friends resting because my body requires more…I count carbs…take my meds…test my sugars…shoot myself more times a day than I like to think about…

And my reward?  I gained…GAINED…over 35 pounds in 6 weeks…my A1C finally fell below 9 for the first time in months but this is due more to the ever increasing lows of 56, 68, 31…to offset the 508, 497,420…rather than a greater overall control…(yes I know this paragraph won’t make sense to most of you…bear with me I am venting)

My body hurts if you touch me…so much so that a simple hug from my son leaves me in tears…His leg holding me close as He reaches for me in sleep leaves me sobbing…

We are sleeping on a futon in the family room because the thought of climbing the stairs just exhausts me and the idea of having to travers them alone for an early morning wandering terrifies me…so He chose to sleep down here with me…

Ben is at a loss as to why he has been banished from my hammock.  He sits next to it with his head on my shoulder and whines now and again but his weight against me sends the pain shooting through me…

My heart is fine – cruising along with a little help from my pace maker…it’s the muscle disorder that is sapping me…it is getting worse and gradually gaining ground…and I am scared and saddened at what it means to my marriage…our physical relationship…my world outside these four walls…this most amazing man who loves me beyond measure and is faced with the reality that next month or next decade (it’s an unknown at this point) I will be in a wheelchair and in such pain that a simple kiss will be more than my body can stand…

I am going into hospital to undergo four days of IV steroids…and then we wait and see…this would be referred to as ‘kicking it up to the next level’…

yay me…

So thank you for letting me dump…and know that I will be here…soon…just not sure when…

For those of you who I sometimes speak to on the phone?  Master has asked me to call you all this weekend and touch base so…know that I am or will be okay…