Centering           

 

I recently received an email from a reader who wanted to know

 

“what exactly do you mean by centered – how does your husband hurting you help you be centered?”

 

First, I have to say thank you for the way you asked your question.  We have had several email exchanges and I know you are not a part of this life and are not even sure you might ever want to be…but you are curious and have questions which is a natural thing…you have never been accusatory or judgemental in your questioning and for that I thank you.

 

To answer your question?  Well, how does one start?  I suppose it should be with my husband ‘hurting me’.  This is not hurting me…this is something far different.  I do not enjoy pain for pain’s sake…I am so not a pain slut….

 

 I would not consider myself a masochist per se ~ I do enjoy spankings and beatings and what have you but it’s not a sexual thing for me – not in the sense that I need it to enjoy making love with my husband.  Are there times when it leads to sex?  Yes, of course there are, because after all He is a sadist and I am naked for the most part.  Does it cause arousal in me as well?  Again, yes, but not nearly as often as one would think. 

 

It depends of course on WHY…am I in trouble, is He trying out a new toy, are we at a play party, has it just been awhile, do we need to reconnect or do I simply need centering…there is a huge difference between discipline, punishment and play and how my body responds is pretty much dependent on which one of these we are in the midst of.

 

So…Centering?  Usually when this happens it is because we have not had time to be a couple…we have not had time to rest in each other…either circumstance or time have gotten in the way and we can be in the same room but seem miles apart…what usually happens is I get snarky…I feel lost and I react. 

 

Do I blame Him?  Of course not…He is always there leading and guiding and being Master…but the reality is He is first and foremost my husband…and quite honestly 24/7 BDSM is not a reality in our world.  We have wee ones and friends and obligations and work and crowds of people at times that all get in our way…not to mention health issues and all that goes along with that.

 

So at times such as now?  I need to find my center and it’s His job to help me find it…I get stubborn and snarky and start acting as if He is not here…as if He is still on the other side of the country and I am a slave now and again…I desperatly need Him to take me in hand but as was pointed out to me by a wonderful friend ~ I could simply stop tugging…after all He hasn’t moved…it’s me who has tried to play by a new set of rules.

 

Which leads to time in the play room…at times all it takes is several strokes of the cane and I am there…but when things are as out of balance as they seem right now?  I need to be beaten…hard…and long.  At times I hold on to my little defiance and refuse to break…which leads to more…the flogger, the cane, thatdamntawse, the single tail, the paddles, His hand…and because He loves me and knows how very much I need this?  He does not let me get away with it.

 

Eventually, I break, and He continues to push me through to the other side.  Followed by time spent under the shower.  Me held tightly by this Man who knows me so well as the damn breaks and the tears flow…sobbing…as Oprah would say – the ugly cry…

 

And once I have found this center?  We climb into bed and find our way back to each other…