Life in our house is so confusing at times…and so uncertain…and quite frankly?  Kinda scary for this little slave…

Master has had to take my health into account from the moment He collared me.  This is a given…He can’t always beat me the way He wants to…the horse is often not an option because I can’t maintain time on my toes due to the muscle disorder.  My heart can’t always take the adrenalin rush of a sound flogging…heck there are times where a simple hand spanking is more than my body can endure.  But He is aware and although He is a sadist and my Master?  He is first and foremost my husband and He cares for me so very much.  He takes very good care of all of His possessions – this slave included.

So now?  The move…or as I think of it late at night…THE MOVE.  A few weeks back I threw a fit – a temper tantrum of major proportions – and He endured for a bit of time and gave me enough rope to string myself up quite nicely.  He even warned me, more than once, to get it out of my system before it got me into trouble…a warning I did not necessarily heed…

It all exploded one fateful afternoon when I went off on Him.  I said things to Him that I am so ashamed of…expressed feelings that came purely from a place of fear and had nothing to do with our reality.  I was nasty and vile and bratty and quite frankly a bitch…and He let me have my say and let me throw things and let me vent.  Then?  Very calmly and quietly said ‘caitlin – enough’ and walked out to the back yard. 

Some time later He came in and said – meet me in the play room in five minutes – and left again.  Oh crap….part of me was so defiant still and part of me was a little worried but there was also relief that He was not going to let me get away with this.

See, He knows I am scared.  He knows that He is taking me away from all that I love.  He is changing my whole world and change is so not my favorite thing.  But He also knows that I will survive.  I know that as long as I am by His side?  I will be fine….which is not to say I am not scared…just that I know He understands…and my behavior is still not okay.

So I met Him at the door to the play room – clad only in His collar – and waited for His direction.  He did not speak but led me to the spanking bench and laid me across it.  Kissing me gently on my cheek He walked over to the tool chest and I heard the air move as the cane swung through the air.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard the swish and felt that white hot pain…I can’t even tell you if it is the only tool He used.  I can tell you that I was still so angry I refused to give Him the satisfaction of crying.  For some time it was my will against His until finally He came to the front of the bench and quietly began to talk to me.  As soon as I heard His voice my heart broke and the tears began to fall.

Through my tears I felt the tawse as He continued to torture my body – to push me through to the other side.  Was this punishment?  No…it was a means to center me and bring me back to Him.  Silent tears continued to fall as He systematically beat my body and my will back into submission.

Finally – He took me down and cradled me against Him.  Then the storm came as I sobbed and wailed and fought my way through.  Finally I quietly whispered – I am sorry Sir…and He kissed me softly and said ‘well done’

We walked back into the house and took a shower together and climbed into bed and talked…for hours…til the wee morning hours…

Am I still scared?  Of course…and am I sad to leave my corner of the world?  Yes…but I know that by His side is where I want to be and where I am meant to be and am going to be.

Bottom line?  Yes – He is aware of my fear and knows exactly what He is asking of me..but that doesn’t give me carte blanche to ignore my place or to act in a way that is less than acceptable.  Voicing my opinion is one thing – stamping my feet and trying to wrest control away from Him is a whole nother story.