We all knew it was coming but it doesn’t make this any easier.  This past Friday – after nearly a year of missing her – Ben finally left us.   He has spent the past several months alternating between her hammock and her chair and now and again our bed whimpering as he waits her return.

I don’t remember if Caitlin ever told you all of how he joined her world but he has been from day one her guardian.  Perhaps 10 or so years ago she and J were down at the marina when they saw this poor woebegone puppy tied up to a mooring.  It was cold and wet and this little guy had no shelter and no one seemed to care.  They took him some food and left for home hoping his owner would return soon.  Two days later they were down on the docks and he was still there.  They asked the harbor master who told them he was fairly certain the little pup had been abandoned.

So, of course, my girl took him home.  Ben was severely underweight and very skittish around almost everyone and especially men.  But from the moment he stepped into her heart he was her guardian.  He never let her leave the property without him.  He would stand behind her car until she relented and let him go too.  He was never far from her side and most times could be found with some part of his body touching some part of hers.

He and I forged our own understanding but it took a bit for him to let me be Master…winning his trust was far harder than winning caitlin’s or her child…

The first time he met her ex husband he peed on him.  He hated that man with every fiber of his being – good choice boy.

He was most definitely german shepherd and something else…our vet suspects Akita but we are not certain.  He herded the wee ones, kept watch over the leaves lest one escape, curled up with Itty Kitty when forced out of our room at night and all in all was a great great dog.

The night my little one left us it was Ben who tried to let me know she needed help.  As they took her away he sat on the deck and howled and from that night until this weekend he never stopped waiting for her return.  Friday afternoon he refused to leave her hammock.  Laying with his head on his paws he watched the storm and now and then would sigh. 

I went out to get him around 9 and discovered he had left us.  No doubt running through the waves as caitlin laughs at his antics…

We had him cremated and will take him to join my little one this weekend.

Goodbye old friend…take care of our girl…

Those of you who read here when my little one was alive know that she had a heart for those society considers ‘less than’ – whether it be economically, socially, physically.  They all mattered to caitlin.  She was color blind. class blind, it just didn’t matter.  If you were part of this most amazing human race there was a spot in her heart for you.

One of her favorite activities each year was the Buddy Walk.  For those not in the know it is a yearly event dedicated to those whose lives have been touched by Downs Syndrome.  A means of increasing awareness for the most part.  There is a picnic and festival at the marina culminating in a ‘walk’ as it were.  Basically a stroll along the wharf and each year my pet was there.

Two year ago she took the little man and he made some friends and last year they exchanged cards and pictures using caitlin as the liason.

This year – this year was a tough one.  The walk was yesterday and the director for the agency she was employed with had called and asked the boys and I to attend if possible.  The little man is with his dad so J and I went in their stead.  The families knew about caitlin – several had come to her memorial – but the little guys?  I was concerned about how this day would play out.

To be in that place where she knew such joy and just chose to hang out with her buddies and enjoy life as only she could was tough.  There was the inevitible remembrances and the ache was palpable.  But it was good to be there.  To see her ‘kids’ who are now in there late teens to mid twenties and a couple who are nearing 40 who were all on her case load at some point in time.  Those who considered her their ’sista’ and will forever be changed by the time she spent in their lives.

Towards the end of the day her former director got up to speechify, as he put it, and spoke of my girl and of all she had added to the lives of those who were there…how she had spent tireless hours helping with this event…how she had advocated for this event when it seemed funding would disappear…how she had stood in the gap for this group of families who deserved this day…and how it was not the same without her here…

Slowly…one by one…her ‘kids’ walked up to the end of the pier and dropped a tulip into the water and said their goodbyes.  Did the truly understand what was going on?  Not all of them…but they knew that for some reason Missy K was not there and that was enough to be sad…

J and I spent the day playing soccer, throwing a frisbee,  enjoying a bbq and being hugged a million times by those who wanted to let us know they missed her too.

I think we did Caitlin proud…and?  I made it through one more thing that she should have been here for.

First – thank you to all those who email now and then to check in with us.  I cannot tell you how proud it makes me to know that my girl had touched so many of you.

How are we?  We are coping.  As this month came upon me I looked at the calendar to realize our anniversary was here.  Can it be just three short years since that beautiful day?  I shall forever remember looking down the aisle to see that radiant smile with eyes only for me.  We had such a short time together and yet we packed a lifetime into those two years and some. 

The boys are doing as well as can be expected.  The little man is busy with all things summer and checks in with me each Satuday to see how I am doing.  He will be here the end of August for family camp but thus far has not asked to spend any time here with us.  He does well as long as he is not here in her space – then his world becomes all too big and he can’t handle it.

Our teen is working hard and planning a wedding – although not for another year or so but there are decisions to be made it seems.  He talks about caitlin often and misses her more than I can explain.  His father has attempted to contact him a few times and I have finally put my foot down and will file for a restraining order if need be.  Seems the existing one became null when caitlin left us. 

Me?  I ache with my need for her.  It’s funny, I always told myself that she needed me.  That I was the one who was strong and held this world together for the four of us but I find myself accepting that it was my girl who was the one I needed.  She was my world and I find it hard to fill the hole left by her absence.  But life goes on no matter how hard we try to ignore it.

Ben is struggling more than any of us I fear and he is failing daily.  He searches for her still and spends hours in her hammock or on her chair whimpering as he waits for her return.  He is truly in mourning and I am not sure he will be with us much longer.  He needs his girl as much as I do.

Mom is still in Ohio and I waffle daily as to whether or not to return there or stay here.  I will be going back next month for some family stuff and will evaluate then what to do. 

So how are we?  Coping in a world that is still far too dim but knowing that life goes on and so shall we.

Luke

For caitlin’s birthday we spent the day celebrating her.  This is the letter our teen enclosed in the gifts he had created for her closest friends and family.

 

Everybody knows my mom had the voice of an angel, but did you know that she studied music in college and gave up her dream only when she found out she was expecting me…and decided being my mom was a much greater gift than performing on Broadway?  Thank you for choosing me mom.

Everybody knows my mom hated dirt, but did you know that one of my favorite memories of her is the day we spent outside lying on our bellies in the wet grass playing with my cars and army guys and trucks in the stream that ran next to the house?  Then we took a shower in our clothes.  Thanks for stretching for me mom.

Everybody knows my mom hated mess and cold, but did you know she taught me how to jump in mud puddles and that even a week before she left us she grabbed my hand as we ran through the rain and jumped in the  middle of the best mud puddle you could ever imagine.  Thanks for teaching me the joy in little things mom.

Everyone knows my mom had a heart for those who were hurt by someone else and was a volunteer at both the Battered Women’s Shelter as well as Rape Crisis, but did you know she grew up in a house of ritualistic abuse and violence and yet managed to not let it destroy her spirit or her life in the process?  Thanks for showing me how to persevere mom.

Everyone knows my mom was married to a man who nearly killed her, more than once, but did you know she also understood that he is my father and literally until the day she left us she spoke quietly to me of the need for me to make peace with myself and my father, for me, not him…I’m not there yet mom but am working on it…thank you for the courage to face my fear.

Everyone knows that the past several years, before and after Luke, my mom was doing well financially and living a fairly comfortable life.  But did you know that when I was little she worked sometimes 15 hour days in order to dig out of the hole created by the demise of her marriage to my father.  Eating top ramen for dinner more than once while making sure I had vegies and milk and yogurt and all my favorites.  Thanks for teaching me responsibility mom.

Everyone knows that my mom met the love of her life far too late in life but did you know, she waited for years to even look for this love because she was focused on me and helping me grow.  Thanks for the sacrifices mom.

Everyone knows that my mom lived large and loved even larger but did you know that she also lived a quiet life of sacrifice and devotion and service to those she loved and wanted to please.  Thanks for showing me both sides of the coin mom.

Everyone knows that my mom was pretty sick for quite some time, but did you know that she never stopped bbelieving it all had meaning?  That no matter where she was in this walk there was a purpose and she strived to learn all she could about the lessons she was meant to learn.  Thanks for helping me believe mom.

Everyone knows my mom had a deeply personal relationship wtih God, but did you also know that it didn’t matter to her what YOU believed?  Whether you walked the walk she chose or did not even believe in His existence she still stood in the gap for you and quietly prayed for whatever need you might have.  Thanks for introducing me to your friend mom.

Everyone knows that my mom was married to the man I call Dad but did you also know she fought him for years before agreeing to consider maybe possibly perhaps joining her life with his?  Believing that she had so little to offer and came attached to so much stuff {waving!!! Hi, my name is stuff.} Thanks for giving me a real father mom.

My mom was a good mom, no, my mom was an amazing mom.  She taught me to embrace all this world has to offer and to understand that as long as I am not causing others pain and they are not harming me?  You really can’t break it.

I miss my mom, her laugh and her hugs and her voice as she sings while she folds the laundry and her quick witted responses and her passion for everything she did but, she left me a legacy that will never go away and part of that legacy includes all of you in this room today. 

Everyone knows my mom had no real family to help her raise me, but did you know she went out of her way to make sure I always had an extended family around me?  She sought out men and women who would fill that space in our lives.  I grew up with numerous grands and aunts and uncles who meant more to her than any family of origin ever could.

Of course you know…for you are them.

Thanks for coming to celebrate my mom with me today.  I am quite sure she is hanging out, watching us laugh and cry and yelling PAY THE PIG!! on a fairly regular basis.

Three weeks ago was my little one’s birthday and at the teens’ suggestion we had a celebration. Her memorial was a time to reflect on who she was in our lives but this, this was different.

The teens and my mother and I met the day on the back deck to watch the sunrise as Caitlin loved to do. We had fresh blueberry scones and Earl Grey tea with a splash and quietly started her day.

What followed was hours of celebrating my beloved. We went to the ourdoor market for fresh crab and scallops and warm from the oven bread and headed to the beach to let Ben and the other critters run through the surf.

It was as if the world knew this was a special day. Throughout the morning and into the afternoon the weather was amazing. A bit of a wind and a little cool but overall an amazing day. We set candles adrift in the creek as we all said our goodbyes one more time,

As friends gathered at the house and we started up the grill, the storm began to rage. For those of you who have any doubt? Caitlin loved the storms. It was one of her most favorite parts of living here in our corner.

We gathered in the kitchen and dining nook and shared laughs and tears and soft smiles as we ate her favorite meal and just enjoyed being together.

Our teen wrote a letter for her friends and I am going to share it with you all, I just need time to treasure it for a bit first.

I wanted to let you all know we are well, one step at a time.

Luke

This site began as a way for my beloved to meet others in the life as well as a means for us to communicate when we were on opposite sides of the country.  Over time it became so much more and I have gone back and forth as to what to do with it.  I am loathe to take it down as it is such a real part of who she was and I suppose I am not quite ready to let go of this yet.  So, for now it will stay.

I want to thank all of you who have stopped by and reaffirmed the love that was mine.  Your comments and emails have meant more than I can possibly say.  I owe a few of you some email and I will get to it, I just can’t promise as to when.

Several of you have asked about the boys.  They are coping as we all are.  The little man is angry.  At his father for taking him away from Auntie Moo, at me for not taking better care of her, at God for taking another mother from him.  He has not been able to be here at the house ~ the hurt is too big ~ but he did stop by just today to gather a few things of hers to take with him.  He chose their favorite quilt, a scrapbook they had made together and a picture of the two of them.  He climbed up in the hammock with Ben and eventually our teen joined them  and they  talked and cried and talked some more.  He has said good bye to far too many people and this one is a hard one for the little man to accept.  But he is walking through it with a lot of help from the big guy in our world.

Our teen is devistated which is no surprise obviously.  He logs lots of time in her hammock as well or in her chair in my office.  He and his friends are clinging to my mother and are all still in a daze of sorts.  They gather here three and four nights a week and we have lots of ‘remember when’ conversations.  They are learning to live without her but it will not come easy.

Me?  I find myself asking ‘are you sure?’ because as sick as she was it just can’t be real that she is not here with me.  That she is not snuggled up next to me when I reach for her at night or waiting in my office when I come through the door at the end of the day.

So life goes on and we are all grieving as we try to adjust to a world that is a little less bright

 

Luke

I am my beloved’s…. 

Whether she is snuggling with a wee one or throwing the frisbee for Ben or laughing with her best girls over a game of cards or quietly whispering long into the night with our boy.  She amazes me.

She enters your life and it is forever changed.  She loves with a passion that is not to be explained.  She defends those who others malign – right or wrong – she never lets the underdog stand alone.   She may not agree with you but she will fight to the end anyone who wants to prevent you from having your say.

She never met a stranger.  Once you entered her world you were a friend….true she does hold some more closely than others but all she encountered were friends.

Koolaid mom – that’s what our teens friends call her.  She is the one they come to with their hurts and angst and confusion and confessions.  She keeps them fed and schooled and makes sure they get some rest and dries tears and hands out hugs and lectures and now and again condoms…for those who just need to know that somebody cares she is there.

Be they 2 or 92 she is passionate about the underprivileged.  Organizing adoptions for Christmas and caroling and lunch at the winter shelter and coats for the kiddles and slippers for the grands…walking many of them through the daunting task of applying for benefits and wading through paperwork.

These past few years her health has been an issue she has battled quite fiercely.  She has fought tirelessly to be ‘better’ and has worked so hard and not being sick.  It has broken her spirit at times to have to sit by the sidelines and not be fully involved.  She has missed being here more than I can possibly tell you and often has me read to her the posts of so many of you…praying for you as you go through your struggles…rejoicing with you as you attain your victories…and missing you always.

11 very long days ago, after a day spent with family, an evening of cards and dinner with good friends and a late night reminding each other of our love my little one and I lay snuggled in the hammock on the back deck watching the storm rage.  She kissed me softly as we whispered our good nights…an hour or so later I woke to Ben whining and scratching at me…

Despite the best efforts of our local EMTs and the physician across the fence my beloved left me that night.   An autopsy revealed what we already knew, her heart had simply given all it had to give.

Whether you knew caitlin through this venue or on a far more intimate level, you knew her heart encompassed all her crossed her path.  She has fought Polymyotitis, Brachacardia, a pace maker, brittle diabetes and most recently Congestive heart failure.  Fought with every fiber of her being to stay here with us but whoever is in charge of these things had other plans.

Were she here to whisper in our ears one more time she would want you to know that this was not an end but rather a graduation.  She is no longer in pain no long fighting to breathe no longer tied down to shots and pills and treatments.  She is devouring a brownie extravaganza with extra fudge and she is dancing down the lane as a melody falls from her lips.

I still find it hard to take in…I am 18 years older than her and always knew she would be the one facing life without me.  This was not in my plan and so not in my control.  I reach for her at night, listen for her when I enter the house, smell her scent on my sheets.  My heart is heavy with an emptiness beyond measure.

I am sure I have done this very poorly and have no other words to say it with.  Just know that she was loved beyond measure and the reality of her not being at my side has not quite hit.

Hi…so it’s been ummmm forever…where do I begin?  Rather than try to expain the past few months or where I’ve been let’s just start with this week shall we?

My house is full…and it is, as always, heaven.  I have wee ones as young as two weeks up to age 6, then there is the 12 to 19 crowd and then the adults and pseudo adults and of course Mom.  My house is bursting with energy and I love it.

In total there are 19 staying here and another 10 staying in hotels as well as the ones who wander in and out who actually live in this part of the world.  Our first ones arrived on Sunday and the last will leave a week from this Sunday so it’s been busy.  We celebrated my son’s 19th birthday followed by Crapaw’s 65th and then there was Thansgiving….lots of to dos going on.

Thanksgiving was amazing…all the traditional American fair along with Mom’s spring rolls and tempura vegies and a most amazing pork loin with raspberry chipolte sauce and Master grilled vegies and my pumpkin cheesecake…we ate til I thought we would all burst…and then today we have the best part of Thanksgiving…turkey sammiches…you know the ones, on white squishy bread with relatively no nutritional value, mayo or miracle whip (the vote is out) cheese, and lettuce…yummmmmmmmy or leftover stuffing and potatoes ….or potato pancakes and donuts made from the leftovers…yup yup yup

Today the girls went shopping at stupid o’clock…I mean really…who doesn’t want to get up at 4 am to go shopping? (I begged off this year but normally I am so there)  I did meet the girls for breakfast at Denny’s at 8 though and then we all went to Old Towne to buy ornaments for each other, cause it is tradition.

At 10 the men – those 10 and older – went to mini golf and movies and the women – those over 6 – went to manicures/pedicures and a movie and me?  I stayed home to snuggle…we have five wee ones this year ranging in age from Miss Elise who is 15 days old up to Eden, 4 &1/2, who are actually staying here with us and the six of us had a blast.  We took a nap or two, read books, fingerpainted with pudding, threw the frisbee for Ben, made pockcorn and cococa (honest, that’s how Miss Sarah says it is) ate cheese and apples and yogurt and baked cookies and had pink bunnies for lunch…it was a blast.

Tomorrow the boys are off for the sorta kinda semi annual football match against the Pastor’s family and then to get trees and the girls are breaking out the Christmas ornamanets…YAY!

So loving this time of year…

As for us?  Things are a bit up in the air, that’s the best I can offer.  My health is pretty fragile right now, a whole nother post, and Master is not fully confident that moving me cross country is what’s best for me at this point…so we are in limbo…I meet with my cardio team this week and we go from there I suppose.

He has decided to scale back the majority of His business and has either sold it off or simply hooked his clients up with other consultants in order for Him to truly be retired…

My son is doing great…thinking about moving south for a season and spreading his wings a bit.  Mom is worried but knows that he is a good kid with a good head on his shoulders and he will be fine…

I am truly so thankful for so much this year that I can’t begin to tell you…I look at our community and the effect the economy has had on my little town and my heart hurts…I am so blessed with all that I have and I think I tend to forget that as I struggle with what I lack…and I am aiming to change that..

One of the things I have been struggling with is this place…pouting and ignoring it because life is far different than I envisioned it when I began this site…but as He has pointed out to me on a regular basis…this is not meant to be a smut site or a sex site or even quite frankly a BDSM site …it is meant to be His site and for me to be able to right about the day to day struggles and joys of becoming His…

SO hopefully my lack of being here will change…

I am so ashamed of the state of California….the overwhelming passage of Proposition 8 stuns me and I am so sad to realize how paranoia can control an entire population.

I truly am sorry….

Lately when I come here to write I find myself starting a post and then deleting it…time and time again I read what I have written and decide I want to hold it close and not put it out here for all to see…and I am not sure why.

I journal daily in my leather bound journal that lies next to my bed…I have for decades…and I journal nearly daily for Master on His private site that was begun just for the two of us back when we were getting to know one another…but those are both very personal and very private.  For our eyes only.

My journal – Master of course can read whenever He chooses to – but to the best of my knowledge He never has ventured forth.  I suppose it’s because He knows I will eventually tell Him my heart and He is willing to wait for His girl to come to Him rather than invade what He considers to be mine…and it is pretty much the only thing He considers mine…which is fine with me.

I love my readers…love sharing my world with those who stop by…even those who feel compelled to point out the errors of my way and remind me yet again that this is so very wrong to choose to live this life…so why the hesitation to let you in these days?

I am not sure and am even more unsure about how to change it…

Things here on the left side of the map are wonderful…the back and forth about what is best for me versus what is His heart’s desire is making me crazy and I have taken huge steps back and just wait for Him to tell me whether to pack or unpack…the uncertainty is a bit annoying but I trust all will become clear and unmuddled soon…

I am currently sporting some most delicious stripes across the back of my thighs and the sweet spot just below my ass thanks to time spent with the cane and the single tail two nights ago…we even ventured into time with the whip but it is a work in progress…and I have to admit I love the thrill that passes through me when I hear the crack of the whip but the pain that follows is not so much a favorite.

We are alone this weekend with the exception of tonight’s poker game so He has promised more to come…